Help for the Conversationally Challenged

Is it really that hard to have a two-way, face-to-face, conversation nowadays, you ask? 

Yes, dear, it is.

There are things abroad in the land, sneaky, subversive things. They go by various names such as, but not limited to: “I’m Not Really Interested in What You are Saying Unless It’s About Me,” “I Have a Lot to Say About Me, So Please Don’t Interrupt,” and the dreaded, “Story-topping.”

I’m finding the whole thing exhausting. So before I decide to stop talking to people altogether, or at least drastically narrow the field, I shall, in my quest to be Helpful in the World, make some suggestions.

Really listen when someone is talking to you. People used to do this, but it happens less frequently now. Maintain eye contact, nod your head appropriately. Be interested. But also be prepared. When it is your turn to contribute to the conversation, it is possible that:

1) the person’s eyes will shift to something over your shoulder.

2) they will start checking purse or pants pocket for their phone.

Do not be one of those people.

Some years ago, I was having a pleasant conversation with a woman at a conference. Someone came up and said something like, “You are needed elsewhere.”  She turned and walked away. Gone. I was left stunned, mid-word, with my mouth hanging open. Rather than making me, well, resentful, it made me more determined than ever not to be one of those people.

Consider “How are you?” to be an actual question. 

• If you are asking, look the person in the eye, smile, and wait expectantly for an actual answer. This includes all those people working in department stores, grocery stores, and restaurants.
• If you are asked, refrain from a simple, “fine, thanks.” Instead try, “I’m doing well, today, thank you. And how (maintaining eye contact – see above) are you today?” You might be pleasantly surprised at their pleasant surprise at your apparent interest.

At Target one afternoon, a young guy scanning my stuff told me, after I asked how he was, that he was a guitarist in a band and they were playing in San Francisco and someone had approached them about making them famous. Or something. Anyway, the next time I saw him, I asked about the amazing music thing. He was pleasantly surprised (see, I told you). Sadly, there was no Big Break. But I think my interest brightened his Targety day.

Ask follow-up questions. This fundamental element of good conversation has almost disappeared. If you are listening, as you ought to be, and if you are making eye contact and tracking what is being said, ask a follow-up question. Really, how hard can it be? On the other hand, when you are speaking, your conversation pal may already be thinking about how they are going to respond. It will likely be with something that makes what you just said irrelevant. This is called:

Story-topping. This is where things get serious. Story-topping is epidemic. It has several virulent forms, but symptoms are obvious:

1) While you are speaking, there is a slight glazing of the eyes which are not, by the way, looking at you.

2) You can sense their wheels turning: How can I respond with a better story about something that happened to me?

3) Absolutely no reference is made to what you just said.

Story-toppers suffer from a veiled form of narcissism. Do not let the conversation wander too far from attention on me. If possible, conversations with story-toppers should be avoided.

Unless they ask for prayer.

While having a conversation with a live human being, do not text, check email, or tweet on your cell phone. Janet Sternberg, a professor of communication and media studies at Fordham University in New York, notes that students no longer look her in the eye and have trouble with the basics of direct conversation. She attributes this to the prevalence of texting.

Yes, the culture is in technological transition and the rules are being written as we go. No matter. It will always be rude. You may say, “I am expecting a call and will probably have to excuse myself at some point.” This gives the other person fair warning. But to just stand or sit there with the phone in your hand is – Did you catch it the first time? – rude.

Eye contact. Excellent follow-up question.

So, there you have it. If you think you might be a Conversation Offender, simply follow my suggestions and improvement is guaranteed. People love to talk about themselves. The key is to find interesting people.

Be one and they will come.

Do you think the nature of conversation is shifting?  If so, how?